The Retarded Pride Race
by Futilitarian
Summary: It is the 500th annual Retarded Pride Race and there are millions of fish trying to compete... but only 1 starfish. Rated for Violence, Mild Language, and Mild Adult Themes. Read and Review please.


The Retarded Pride Race

A Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction

A Story not for the usual Spongebob Squarepants Fan

Episode I: An Unorthodox Beginning (To an unorthodox story)

"This story is by Futilitarian."

(I do not own Spongebob Squarepants and if I did, the producers would kick me out furiously. Then they'd pour hot coffee at me and make jokes of M.J, the Anti-Spielburg writer. It adds a mood if you listen to John Lennon's Imagine or Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven while reading the first paragraphs. Then again, it can hurt your head too. Actually, do not listen to the music if you have a headache. I thank the following people and things: the people who helped make Spongebob Squarepants and my brain for being ever so imaginative and psycho. Also, I thank the fishy characters in this original cartoon with all of their unique personalities and complex thoughts and actions. Even the small characters like the citizens of Bikini Bottom play important roles as much as the main ones. I also thank Afri-Cola, Red Bull, and John Carpenter for their support in this fanfiction. Well, enough of this stuff as you shall read the story, eh?)

It was a fresh ocean underwater, which probably meant it was a celebration of all retardedness under the sea as well. Many fish looked appealed to this uncanny celebration of the 500 years of the race of the retarded fish. From every peak of coral to the deep abyss, fish swam to Bikini Bottom to compete in this wonderful challenge. From every ocean, every sea, every creek, millions of fish went miles just to get to this one fishy fish town. For the last 500 years as I said, all of the retarded fish (which was most of the fish population) tried to win the ultimate prize of retardedness, a one-day cruise to the original Krusty Krabs restaurant and the only Krusty Krabs restaurant. Every fish liked Mr. Krabs cooking, even Plankton who also competed but easily failed. Yes, almost all "fishkind" attended to this great quest, but there was only one starfish. This one starfish, whose name was Patrick, shall be an inspiration to all fishkind for all eternity. Behind Patrick's pink, genius-looking skin lays a heart pure of retardedness. However, he could not do this hard task alone. Therefore, he had found help with his kind, spongy friend Spongebob. This yellow, funny, very annoying sponge helped Patrick in his training and his eating. Doing this, he turned Patrick from a retard to a… well, more of a retard and even though it has been all of these hundreds of years, we still remember one starfish, Patrick. This is his story…

It was a very sunny sun on this happy, happy day and the fish were swimming in their own drinking water and driving in boats, polluting that drinking water. The warm water made this a perfect day to go to the beach and all of those self-caring buff guys flexed their steroid-caused muscles, which failed in the plan to score with the chicks. However, the puny nerds got the babes by showing them their abacuses and calculators. Recesses in the elementary schools proved quality-playing times as the kids were playing games of egg tag. The results in this were many young fish going to hospitals due to food poisoning. Middle and High School times were at their best as they figured out a way not to pay for the drinks there. A hint for this plan was hammers and broken glass. As for all of them non-fishy people, it was a sad day, especially for Sandy. Our own Texas squirrel is depressed in melancholy (how redundant) because of the slimy sludge on her plastic dome. Now she could not see her perfect ocean view and she sadly played ping-pong all by herself, which got boring after a couple of minutes. Mr. Krabs, who is not a fish but a crustacean, was also sad. There have been no customers since the last retarded pride race and he diluted his sadness in diet kelp, which will probably led to a brain tumor next year. He waited for the day 17 days away from then since that was the beginning day of the retarded pride race.

Okay, so we have all of the unimportant beginning crap set aside and we will change the setting to Spongebob and Patrick's neighborhood. Spongebob was snoring in his bed, making Gary one miserable snail for the night. His foghorn alarm blasted a sound that woke up everyone in this simple city, creating a piercing sound that gave Gary a headache 3 times worse than a hangover. Every day, the fish there sent complaints to the mayor for "Disturbance of sleeping and not finding out about pre teenage fish's wet dreams". Spongebob went downstairs to his kitchen where he got an "Afri-Kelp" from his fridge. He guzzled it down, glug… glug… glug, and after drinking the highly over-caffeinated soda, he banged his head on the table, bang… bang… bang! Being tired of the use of onomatopoeias, he went outside and smelled the fresh air. He then yelled his quote of the morning happily, "I'm ready!" He continued repeating his quotes when Patrick creaked open his rock home and went to greet Spongebob. "Hi Spongebob!" he said with a jolly voice. Spongebob replied by saying, "Great morning to you too Patrick!" Giddy with joy, Patrick tackled Spongebob moronically and cheered for a football team that did not even exist. Spongebob punched Patrick in the cheek with such force that Patrick's face flabbed to the back of his head. Like rubber however, his face flung like a rubber band back to the front of his face and he fell down with exhaustion. "Sorry Pat, but I've gotta go to work today. I'll see you later!" Spongebob said cheerfully. Then, something hit Patrick that had not hit him before.

"You actually work for the Krusty Krab!?" over-excitingly yelled Patrick, hyperventilating and yodeling. "Of course Patrick, didn't you know I've been working there for about 4 years?" Spongebob calmly replied. Patrick's eyes dialated. "Try to calm yourself Patrick, okay? You're starting to creep me out Patrick!" Patrick tried to retain himself, but that obviously failed and he tackled Spongebob once again. This time, Spongebob poked Patrick's eyes with his fingers, which only cause Patrick to flinch and grunt. "Patrick, get the heck off of me!" angrily yelled Bob. Finally, Patrick slowly left himself from the top of Spongebob and he yelled once again "Go Lollapaloozas! (???)" Bob brushed the dust and dirt from his contacts to the ground and gave an angry/disappointed look straight into Patrick's eyes, which resulted in a trance. Patrick scratched his head and said awkwardly, "I'm done with that." Spongebob took and deep breathe and changed his face to a more smiley one and said, "You can come with me to work and buy a Krabby Pattie, eh?" Patrick grinned a big grin and accepted. They idiotically pranced to their dining location, leaving a number of fish and jellyfish starting in awe. Eventually, they walked into the entrance and Bob went straight to the kitchen while Patrick waddled to the counter to take his order. "Can I take your order…? Patrick?" lazily asked Squidward. Patrick beamed with independence and said, "I want a hot-dog inside out special with a side-dish of dill weed and foreign FDA unapproved spices and herbs?" Squidward's mouth increased in grimace and he replied, "No, we don't have inside-out hotdog specials nor do we have dill weed and foreign FDA unapproved spices and herbs. Actually look at the menu you numskull."

"Ah… well, could I have a raw Krabby Pattie with an "Afri-Kelp" please?" Squidward, in his usual, irascible self, gave one heck of a furious face and forcefully gritted his teeth. "What the heck do you think I am? Some kind of Nazi-Mollusk!?" Squidward then suddenly gave and smug smirk and said, "Sure Patrick, whatever you say. After all, the customer is always right." "You got that right!" blurted out Patrick. As Squidward prepared the patty of the lifetime and the end of one as well, Patrick greeted fish he did not even know and he received a record of 16 footprints on his rear end. Squidward willingly offered the cult patty to Patrick's table and watched propitiously as Patrick stuffed his face in it. After devouring the fatal hamburger, he started cough and started to convulse. Squidward broke down into a toppling breakdown of hilarity as he uncontrollably laughed. He continued to laugh and laugh and laugh, rolling and the floor and hurting his ribs. Patrick's eyes started to water and then he coughed up the patty which now and a horrifying face. Just like in John Carpenter's movie, The Thing, when Norris turns into the head spider, it grew a bunch of tentacles and screeched unearthly sounds, hurting everyone's ears. One unfortunate fish looked at the mess and said, "Yay, Bootsie! You've came back to me!" The creature then leaped onto the fish, causing the fish to start screaming and crashing into the walls. He crashed through the window and the monster slowly slid away with the struggling fish. Everyone stood there; looking at the isolating creature in sheer horror and confusion. "Erm, lets… just forget that even happened" stated Mr. Krabs. Everyone nodded their heads, agreed, and went back to eating their food.

Spongebob went over to Patrick and stared at him for a while. Then, after his eyes were anhydrous, he exclaimed, "Patrick, you can enter the Retarded Pride Race! With those gruesome regurgitating skills, you could build up a so-called strategy to win the race and get to have the one-day tour of the one and only Krusty Krab!" Patrick's brain broke and he opened his mouth, making a static noise. Then Patrick said, for absolutely no reason, "Why sure Patrick, I'll go try to destroy the competition." "Erm, Patrick, when you talk in sentences like that, you go, "Why sure Spongebob, I'll go try to destroy the competition." okay?" Patrick stood there in complete pandemonium but then he nodded and said, "Yay, I just might have what it takes to win his game and it will be funny and cool and funny!" Fish around the table clapped and congratulated him for his wise and retarded decision and Patrick bowed to them. After that, Patrick wandered aimlessly when he saw the ice cream man who was of course near the graveyard. Patrick knew that Mr. Krabs was in utter horror and consternation when he saw the line of the antediluvian fish go to what appeared to be the cemetery. After reconsidering the facts that zombies might eat him, he decided to go ahead to the ice cream man, since he is retarded. Patrick assailed the cart and scarfed down the velvety, frosty, tantalizing ice cream while the other kids watched in disconsolateness. Patrick licked the elite remains of the ice cream from his lips and he stated, "Too much of a good thing is an exceptional thing." The kids gave a chapfallen and un-surfeited look at the broken cart and then sadly disappeared away from there. As soon as they all went away, a flying zombie pounces on the ice cream man and starts eating him.

Patrick tottered back to his rock home and slouched to his chair. His activated his television to see what was on the news. There was a topic on the Retarded Pride Race that got Patrick interested. He watched and a helicopter view showed that they were preparing the obstacles in the race. Patrick ogled at the ramps and booby traps being set up. His mouth watered and he started to sweat as they put up rings of fire and tacks on the ground. He started to blubber and shake until he finally said, "How the (dolphin squeak) am I going to get #1 on that?" Patrick started to vociferate with himself until he got up from his chair and belched. His stomach rumbled and he thought to himself, "Whoops, one patty was not enough to palliate my biohazard tummy. I guess I'll need another order of food from the Krusty Krab." Therefore, Patrick escaped his rocky confines and recrudesced to the Krusty Krab. As Pat came in, Squidward slowly secreted downward in pure apprehensiveness. Patrick grasped Squidward's quaggy head and pulled him up to eye level. Then, Squidward enervated of thinking, asked, "What do you want? Patrick?" Patrick showed a bucktooth smile and said, "I'd like a Roasted Platypus with a side order of chocolate monkey bran bread with 7 year old dried butter smeared sprinkled with parsley and cigar and cigarette bits with an once of 70 year old champagne and glue mixed to create the meal content to my heart." Squidward was on the verge of asphyxiating Patrick with a hamburger bun but then he remembered what happened last time and he did not want a hamburger to eat him. "Erm, of course Patrick; we shall see if we have your required ingredients. After all, the customer is always right." "You got that right," blurted out Patrick.

Squidward hurriedly went into the kitchen and screamed, "Spongebob! Do you have Roasted Platypus?" Spongebob turned his head slowly and showed his unpredictable, smiling face and in monotone fashion said, "Yes we do Squid, we do have Platypus." Squidward sighed with relief when he remembered all of the other ingredients that were practically impossible to be in this crummy diner. Ready to hear the bad news, he asked, "Do you have chocolate monkey bran bread?" Spongebob's lip quivered and a tear came out of his left eye. He sadly said," Yes we do Squidward, yes we do. The thing is that mix was the last thing my grandfather gave me. I will not let you use it for one customer's order. Nope, I simply refuse it." Squidward rolled his eyes and said, "If we don't give Patrick that order, he'll throw up something from hell!" "No, I'm not going to give the mix to you, no matter what!" Squidward did not care what Spongebob said and he grabbed the content box. He ripped the seam and poured it into a mixing bowl. Spongebob shrieked as Squidward added ingredients with haste, turning it into a sickening goop. He slams it in the oven and laughs manically. Spongebob crouches to his knees and puts his hands on his forehead, sobbing loudly. Squidward cannot help but feel sorry for the poor, pitiful sponge so he reminds him of the collection of pictures of his grandpa right next to him. In fact, Squidward's compassion turns into sneering madness and he states, "Why in the name of Neptune are you crying over some crap your grandfather gave you for cooking with when you **have all of these pictures right behind you and that entire Beatles collection your grandpa gave you right before he died? I mean come on, you're blabbering over some crappy bread mix he got you to make the bread, 5 years ago and you didn't want to make it because it would get soggy and stinky in your grandpa's fart house!**" Squidward's anger overcame him when he noticed the bread that was baking was ready.

Spongebob was suckling his thumb in the corner while Squidward put the bread next to the uncooked, flea/fly covered Platypus. Squidward was putting so much pressure in his teeth that it was feeling like in a couple of seconds they would crash into millions of pieces and start to bleed and that is exactly what they did. Gurgling with viscous, bloody pain, he started crying unintelligible things to Spongebob, who did not seem to care about Squidward's misfortunes as he caressed his Beatles Collection. He put a record on the table player and it started playing Twist and Shout. _Well, shake it up, baby, now, (shake it up, baby) Twist and shout. (Twist and shout)_. When Spongebob heard the word "twist", he pivoted a 360-degree circle. When it said the word, "shout", he lowered his buttocks down; bended his legs, and made his chin chubby, like a frog. He screamed so loud that the ground was rumbling and his teeth were adhering to his tongue, which made him scream more. The scream made all of the fish at the Krusty Krab cough up tires and they all ran away due to this unwonted experience to their favorite eating-place. Gobbets of his gums flew out of his mouth and they all hit Squidward in the eye, making him scream and making his teeth, abruptly and painfully come back, "It burns! Oh my god Neptune, why did you make sponges do this!?" After all of the inconceivable, non-purpose screaming; Spongebob fell down to his back like a feather and sighed, letting all of the blood drain from the back of his throat. Squidward was puzzled and frightened and he said without a second thought, "You know, you could win the Retarded Pride Race also." Spongebob's eyes widened.

Spongebob flapped his arms around while walking around in a circle aimlessly. Then he yells, "Hallelujah Jesus Lizard, I have come for you!" "Wha-" Squidward said before Spongebob took his arm and dragged him across streets and fields to his house. After stopping, Squidward expectorated dust and then turned over to Spongebob in hatred and slammed his hand on him. Squidward then murmured in Spongebob's ear, "If you act like this around me one more time, I will cleave your head with a spoon, _capisce_?" Spongebob accepted and smiled. As Squidward went back to his tiki-house, Spongebob remembers that Patrick is still at the Krusty Krab and he did not get his order. Spongebob gasped and sprinted back to the Krusty Krab, where doom lingered. He ran to the kitchen and made the special order for Patrick. He served it with care and Patrick ravaged its insides. Soon after, Patrick hurled a monkey that had a second head on its left pinky. The fish "ooed" and "ahhed" at the unsightly sight when it had multiplied like bacteria and there were all of these disfigured monkeys attacking the fish. This did not last long as monkey-kind could not breathe underwater. They were about to die when they found air-trapped jars whence they put on their faces so they could breathe and attack the poor fish once again. Patrick suddenly yelled, "Stop, they are not your enemies!" The monkeys halted their slapping, breaking, smashing, hurling, inhaling, listening to Mudhoney, pulverizing, and rioting frenzy and surrounded Pat Tick. "Then who is our enemy almighty Pat Tick?" Patrick took a deep sigh and look at everyone around him. They were all horrified and shocked. "I am. I am your enemy… and my name is Patrick, P-A-T-**R**-I-C-K... Patrick. Not the name Pat Tick you buffoons!" Just after he said those words, the monkeys flew up in the air and charged at him, ready to rip him into thousands of bloody shreds. Then, in an astonishing, cockney, British voice, he says, "Well this isn't your daily cup of tea."

(How will Patrick survive the attack of the horrible, demented monkeys? Will Spongebob lose his best friend? When is my laundry going to finish? How does Patrick regurgitate these fiendish things? Can you walk on water using a piece of string and an eggbeater? The answers to those questions will come in Chapter II: Something wicked not his Way Comes. Now, I'm going to drink nutmeg tea and freak out when I see rainbow-colored flying lizards a carrying old people from the coroners. Happy Holidays people and don't eat too much chocolate, it makes you fat.)


End file.
